As I previously mentioned, I'm 25 now and I've been getting the "when are you getting married?" question for at least 3-4 years now. I have many issues with the pressure people (especially Africans) put on young women to enter into the matrimonial state. Ever since I was little, I have been surrounded by people, myself included, wallowing in tales of their "dream" wedding and what their colour theme will be, how many bridesmaids will be present etc. etc. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with this but I feel that weddings have become increasingly highlighted to the detriment of marriage as a lifelong journey. As I've become older, my views on weddings and marriage have altered dramatically:
1. According to CNN even in a recession, the average cost of an American wedding is over $20,000, whilst that amount is almost the same in the UK except in POUNDS! You may disagree with me, but unless you're making serious paper this amount is all kinds of crazy. I am by NO means thrifty but how can I justify spending that much on ONE day, with the majority of it funded by credit? I absolutely refuse to start my marriage in that kind of debt. That kind of money can put a down payment on a house. Why spend this much money just to impress people who most likely don't even like you anyway?
2. I don't understand the insistence on having both extravagant traditional engagements and western weddings. Can't you choose one or the other? In Ghanaian culture, a traditional engagement is essentially a "marriage". The prevalence of white, western, weddings is just that- western. As the daughter of a pastor I know I'm expected to have a big church wedding with all members of the congregation (who secretly don't like me) accounted for. Personally, I'd rather have the full works of a traditional engagement than a huge white wedding. As long as my union has been blessed in the eyes of God, I don't see the need to feed 300-odd extraneous people.
3. I plan on being happy in my marriage and contrary to the insistence of several well-meaning "aunties", this happiness will not necessarily come about by me rushing into marriage with the first handsome doctor or engineer to come my way. I'm not going to sit here and pretend that money will not matter in my marriage, we all know that money talks. However, who wants to marry some 'Dadaba' who has never had to work a day in his life? I respect ambition in both men and women and I insist that my husband possess this quality in addition to honesty and caring. Being rich and successful has its benefits but the way you treat me behind closed doors is far more important and I have met far too many two-faced wonders to be swayed by money and power.
4. Just as I demand certain qualities from the future Mr. Sankofa I know that much will also be expected from me as a wife. To be frank- I'm just not there yet. I can be honest about that. I think I would make a terrible wife at this moment in time. I'm working on my inherent laziness and fierce independence. I can be extremely opinionated and the fragile egos of men sometimes can't handle that. Hey, nobody is perfect and at least I'm perfectly aware of what my flaws are. Pray for me!
5. All my life I've been surrounded by messed-up marriages. People who are married but might as well be living in different houses; husbands who have second families hidden away somewhere, only to be discovered after their deaths; marriages clearly suffering form domestic violence etc. etc. However, the marriage closest to me- that of my parents- has never displayed any of these qualities. I can honestly say that I have never seen my parents disrespect each other and they are truly each other's best friends. This has solidified my belief that a strong and happy marriage is entirely possible as long as one marries the right person and is willing to truly work on their marriage. In my somewhat extensive dating experiences, I can honestly say that I haven't met anybody who I can imagine in this type of marriage. I have met plenty of Mr. Rights but I'm still patiently waiting on 'Mr. Right for me'. Until then, I guess I have to keep a lid on my rage when the "so when are you getting married?" question comes.
4 comments:
"As long as one marries the right person"- I think anyone can be the right person. I don't believe there is only one person in the whole universe you are destined to marry. I may be wrong on this:) I am happily married and I always tease my husband that he is my soulmate 'cos he knows I don't believe in that. To make it work, you have to be determined to make it work. The honeymoon only ends if you want it to end.
Both people have to have utmost respect for each other too. Love is an action word. You don't just say I love you and that it. It has to manifest in your thought and actions too. When they ask you those quetions again, tell them your's is going to be the very best and that does not come easily:)
oh by the way my thoughts on marriage changes a lot but it's always positive so maybe sometime to come, I might contradict myself...hehe
The most expensive bit of the wedding is not the food or feeding 300 people.
It's all the extras you want to put in so your friends dont talk smack about you wedding.
The dress, expensive gifts for the guests, paying extra for imported fresh flowers, the most expensive hotel suite instead if some tents in the churchyard.
On being rushed into marriage... I would say you have to be very careful based on the 2 incidents this year. Maybe you're not as cynical as you think you are.
i'm with you on no.5 especially. my environment has probably turned me cynical about marriage. picking up my phone when i see an international no. is becoming a problem for me because i know it could be a relative, calling to 'find out how i am' and determined to get to the question of whether i have a boyfriend yet because 'i'm getting old oo' :) I'm learning to find all the pressure amusing...as long as it's coming in small doses.
They all want to come be nosey, smile in the pictures and eat at your expense. To detract from the fact that that's exactly what they did when THEY were 25 and now have a failing marriage.
Anyone who is not there to give you genuine marriage advice instead of pressure to get married should be ignored. And they shouldn't get wedding invites when you do find 'the man' either.
Wow, that sounded mean didn't it? I just don't have patience for these people. Age does not determine someone's readiness to get married!
Post a Comment